It's Not Easy To Be Me (TougaxSaionji)
by You-Know-Who
Summary: Saionji's POV of the final duel between Utena and Akio as well as his thoughts on the upcoming revolution of the world. The pairing of Touga and Saionji is indicated but no more than that really...


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Disclaimer: I do not own "Superman" or Five for Fighting or Revolutionary Girl Utena. We can pretend I own Saionji though as that would make me happy. :]

Spoilers: For just about the whole series primarily the summary of them and the result of Utena's "revolutionizing the world."

Author's Note: "Superman" by Five for Fighting rightly makes me think of any fictional man I have ever adored if I am to be perfectly honest. But it works exceedingly well for Saionji. I know a lot of fans of SKU don't like him, but I like him a lot. There's something redeeming even in his condescending ways. I mean, look at where he is and who he's with. ^^

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I can't stand to fly   
I'm not that naive   
I'm just out to find   
The better part of me   
  
I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane   
More than some pretty face beside a train   
It's not easy to be me   
  
Wish that I could cry   
Fall upon my knees   
Find a way to lie   
About a home I'll never see   
  
It may sound absurd...but don't be naive   
Even Heroes have the right to bleed   
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede   
Even Heroes have the right to dream   
It's not easy to be me 

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I keep seeing my failures pass before my eyes like tapestries woven from bad dreams and memories. In the beginning, I meant nothing and in the present, I am most assuredly no one. Lying here run over by my defeat at last, I wonder how and why nothing ever touches me. I can't even try to touch something eternal, cannot soar towards the truth. He saw to that I guess.

Anthy's name clings to my lips refusing to be spoken as I lie here. Anthy, my darkest memory and brightest hope. The one thing I had that never belonged to me. Yet my emotions had already run me through with swords so what was one more duel? 

I know Touga was laughing at me. He was laughing in front of me, behind me, inside of me, all around me. I know they all loathed me. I know I was no hero. I was the villain. The fire-breathing dragon slain by a girl-child pretending to be a prince. 

One would think the years of childhood at least would provide some solace to the angst of a teenaged freak of a boy. I should be able to look back and remember these wonderful, sun-filled days, but why do that? Like the damnable dueling roses, the petals of memory fall away showing the barren, ugliness of Touga's friendship. Breaking the silence are the words of a lost young girl. She got a prince while I don't even have a friend.

If I had the courage, I suppose I'd have ended this a long time ago. If I was anything but what I am, I would tear out my eyes and destroy my ears. I would spit up blood into Touga's face, into Akio's face.

No....this is all my fault.

From the very beginning, I was meant to lose. I cannot revolutionize the world. Not even my own world, not even myself. Small wonder that I am here.

To think I believed Touga that day when he asked me to be his rose bride. When he favored me with unexplainable kindness. Riding that ridiculous motorcycle, I stood up and contemplated death. But there was nothing I could do. I spread my arms like broken wings in the face of the inevitable. Perhaps this is the only rebirth I am capable of.

As I lie here, I notice out of the corner of my eye that Touga is the first to regain his senses. He wearily rises to his knees and crawls towards with the feral grace of a panther.

I feel pathetically lost. I long for reassurance and in the deepest part of me, I know I've always wanted him as my piece of eternity. Feeling unshed tears drip down my throat, I choke out "Is it...over for us?"

I allow the tears that descend upon me to be my focus rather than his response of: "No. It's not over until we see it through to the very end."

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I remain silent as he helps me to my feet and walk until we reach the others huddling near a fire in kinship that only the truly lost and dead ever attain. I stare into the fire as they prattle and panic.

Juri's words of the boy drowning to save a little girl make me cry. We are all drowning here and now.

Once again I want comfort. I want... 

My eyes seek out Touga's. He looks away. We're always moving away from each other. Maybe it's just so that I never am granted the privilege of seeing myself in his eyes.

If I had been a prince, would I have seen myself in them? I move away from the fire and stare up at that damned castle. As cold as I was by the fire, I become even colder as I gaze upon it.

If I had been as wide-eyed and wonderful as Utena, I could have revolutionized the world from the shelter of his warm arms. I would have found something truly eternal. 

I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough. I had wanted to scream at him, at all of them, at the ends of the world: "What did I have to be? How would you have me become someone, something, anything at all?"

I'm no prince, no hero, no villain, no dragon. Just a broken boy who will never grow to be a man at this rate. I'll always be a pawn in the games of others.

I shiver as I remain fixated on the upside-down palace that twirls and glitters like a carousel.

A hand falls on my shoulder and I flinch at the warmth.

"It's almost over." Touga says in a soft voice. It doesn't offer me comfort, but I am not able to detect any hint of mockery.

I nod barely aware of my actions. The world is almost over. The end of the end of the end of the end. 

"Are you all right?" he has the gall to ask.

I chuckle icily as I conceal my anger. Even my ghost of laughter is painful to my ears but I ignore it. 

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be? Am I not in a beautiful place, surrounded by friends?"

He sighs and furrows his brow.

I shake my head as tears rise to my eyes once more and I remember that his hand is still firmly pressed against my shoulder. I lean against it slightly.

"What would it be like?" I whisper in a defeated voice.

"To what?" he asks after a moment of silence as we regard the castle.

"Too many answers."

"Settle for the first one," Touga suggests running his other hand along the small of my back. 

Even at the end he still torments me.

"To be....one worthy of something...eternal," I say as tears wind their serpentine way down my cheeks.

"Maybe you are," he says moving his hand from my back to finger my unkempt curls.

I laugh briefly. "Is that a compliment?"

"Stranger things could happen at the end of the world...or the beginning of another."

I can feel the warmth of his smirk as he moves closer to me. But I am in no way prepared for his arms circling my waist. I stiffen paralyzed with uncertainty.

There is something frighteningly disturbing in Touga's movements--predatory and calculated. He takes advantage of my paralysis, pulling me still closer to him. I can feel his gaze move from the nape of my neck up to the palace.

"I could think of worst ways to wait for the end," he says.

I can think of better, but I don't dare say that. Instead, I slightly nod my head.

He moves hands and gently caresses my cheek despite mental protesting on my part, I hesitantly lean against the open palm before he returns it to encircle my waist again.

The palace begins to shake and fragment just as I relax in his grip.

I close my eyes ad bring my hands to my ears.

He pulls them down with his own. "It'll be all right," he whispers in that silky voice of his.

I shake my head but I allow him to placate me.

"Don't think about it Kyouichi. You can't do anything. We can only wait. Open your eyes and watch this. Even if we never live past this moment or remember this later. You should see this."

I open my eyes gently. The sight of the palace fading away makes me want to hide. 

He rests his chin against my neck with a sigh of something akin to contentment.

"Thank you, Kyouichi," he says in a soothing purr against the base of my throat.

"For what?"

But his answer is lost as the castle begins to disappear, as does my sight, as do I.

********

Here I am again, preparing to duel him. I wonder what the point of this is. He'll win again, I'll lose.

Touga smirks at me. "Kyouichi, you should try concentrating."

"I don't even want to do this. We always do this," I reply almost whining.

He chuckles. "And here I thought you wanted something eternal." He winks at me facing away from Nanami who watches us silently.

I shake my head recognizing this and at the same time having no idea what he is babbling about.

"Maybe I do," I manage finally.

We get in position and the duel begins.

My feelings change and strangely enough I begin to think I'll win this time. If not, I have tomorrow to try again.

~Fin~

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Up, up and away...away from me   
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight   
I'm not crazy...or anything...   
  
I can't stand to fly   
I'm not that naive   
Men weren't meant to ride   
With clouds between their knees   
  
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet   
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street   
Only a man in a funny red sheet   
Looking for special things inside of me   
  
It's not easy to be me. 

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End file.
